Humour

Humour | Romance | Life

Come Back To Bed

We all know how irritating mobile phone users can be,
When they fail to consider the feelings and respect of you and me.
They make phone calls anytime and from anywhere,
If they are loud , brash or vulgar they couldn’t care.
Here is a story of how an irritated listener got her own back,
By at the right time going boldly into the attack.
After a busy working day she snuggled down into her railway seat,
Hoping for a short snooze to make her day complete.
Opposite sat a business man with a mobile phone,
And he was talking to his jealous wife in a loud tone.
“Yes darling I am on the 7-30 train coming home to you,
No I haven’t been having sex with the bosses’ secretary, that’s true.
No dear, I haven’t come from the nude girls dancing bar,
I would not want to upset you my gorgeous star.”
The irritated and disgusted passenger opposite very loudly said,
“Hurry up darling, put the phone down and come back to bed.”
The business man became flabbergasted, went white as a sheet,
The revenge of the irritated passenger was now complete.
The Laughing Poet

The Glass Eye

She was beautiful with a georgous smile,
She had a figure which would most men beguile.
In her make up there was only one flaw,
She had a glass eye which did not stop lovers calling at her door.

She lived in a flat on the third floor,
In summer evenings, sat out on her balcony which she did adore.
One evening on the balcony she did trip,
It could have been a most unfortunate slip.

She banged her head and out popped her glass eye,
When she saw it roll off the balcony she began to cry.
A young man walking on the pavement beneath,
Looking up, caught the glittering object, what relief.

Studying it, he could see it was a glass eye.
He hears an appealling cry “Bring it up to me or I will die”
The young man duly did what he was asked to do,
The relieved lady said “Come in, that was very kind of you.

Please excuse me while I put my eye back in.”
She returned freshened up and said with a grin.
“Is there anything I can get you, anything at all?”
The young replied quickly knowing it was his call.

He said “You are so beautiful I want to make love to you”
She replied “If that is what you want, that is what we will do”
After a passionate hour on her bed, both now resting, all energy spent,
She uttered “You are certainly a very experienced gent”

“Do you always give your love so freely?” he said with a sigh.
She responded tartly “Certainly not, only to gentlemen who catch my eye!”

Joey the clown.Joey The Clown

Hello there, pleased to meet you, I am Joey the clown,
I am here to make you happy and dispel that frown.
I can tell you jokes to make you laugh and grin,
I jump the hoop, play the fool and raise your adrenalin.
When I hear you laugh I know I am going to win.
When we meet my comic act does begin.
I aim to make you happy from start to fin.
When you laugh your happiness flows through to me,
And makes me as happy as happy can be.
I am Joey the clown, creating joy and mirth is my profession,
I hope our meet has created a cheerful impression.
It has been nice meeting you but now I have to go,
I will be happy to come back if again you feel low.
Why not hang me up in your special place,
So when you see me I will put a smile on your face.

The singing frog

The man walked into the pub and then
Stands at the bar and says “Something special to show you gentlemen”
He opened a suitcase and pulled out a mouse
“Would you like him to play the piano and entertain this house?”

The bar visitors said “Yes” and gave a cheer
They all liked cheerful music with their beer
The mouse played the piano for half an hour
The man said “Would you like to hear a frog who can sing with gusto and power”

The audience cheered and said they were game for anything
The frog sang magnificently, a joy to hear him sing
The mouse playing, the frog singing, everyone was enjoying a great beer
All having a great time that was clear.

Suddenly up jumped a customer who offered to buy the frog
For five thousand pounds, which made the on-lookers agog?
The frog’s owner said O.K. and took the cash
The buyer put the frog in his bag and then away did dash.

The publican said “Five thousand pounds for a singing frog worth millions. Wasn’t your price rather modest?”
The man smiled and slowly said “Not really, you see the mouse is a ventriloquist”

The memorial stone

He left forty thousand dollars for an elaborate funeral to be held in his honour,
He wanted his friends and family to remember him when he was a goner.
When the funeral was over his wife Sharon said
To her best friend” Brenda, now Jim is dead and buried,
He had a great funeral, is that not true?
It pleased everyone who attended, including me and you.”

The reply was ” Yes , it must have cost you a lot”
Brenda replied” It sure did, I spent forty thousand dollars, that is the final tot.
The funeral was six thousand dollars, paid five hundred for the church hall,
Paid five hundred for the drinks so the guests could have a ball.
The rest I spent on a memorial stone to fill the bequest ,
I did it the way I thought was fair and the best.

Look at the stone set in my diamond ring,
Think of the happy memories it to me will always bring.”

The maid wants a rise

The housewife was upset, the maid had just asked for a rise,
Only been employed a short time so that was a surprise.
The wife said” Maria, why do you want a pay increase,
If you do not have a good reason your employment here will cease”

The maid replied” Three good reasons I will give you,
I iron better than you, obvious and true”
The wife said” Who told you that?
The maid said “Your husband did” quite pat.

Reason two; I am a better cook than you,
I can cook anything and don’t get in a stew”
The angry housewife said “Who informed you of this?”
The maid replied” Your husband did, he said my cooking was bliss.

The third reason I am better in bed than you”
The furious housewife shouted” Did my husband tell you that too?
The maid replied” No, on that thought do not dwell,
It was the gardener who thought I was better than you, thought I was swell.”

You will not have to think hard to get the answer or guess,
The maid’s request for a rise was a complete success.

How do you get arthritis?

The catholic priest sat down on the park bench,
When a tramp sat down beside him full of stench.
He pulled out a newspaper and started to read,
Of his uncomfortable neighbour he took no heed.

After ten minutes the tramp turned to the priest and said
thoughtfully and slow,
“Some folks get arthritis, why is that, do you know?”
The priest thought he had a chance to get his own back,
Lay it on thick, enjoy having a good whack.

“Men get it who are womanisers, drunks and sinners, men who don’t bath,
How does that strike you he said with a sneering laugh?
Men like that find with life it is difficult, often men without hope”
The tramp replied” In the paper it says, the Pope has it, I wonder how he
will cope”

Only when it rains

A woman was having a daytime affair,
Her husband was at work, totally unaware.
Both full of passion and sexual drive.
Then she heard her husband’s car pull into the drive.

She shouted to her lover” Get out while you may,
You are as good as dead if you stay”
I will tidy up and make the bed, you get going on your way,
If you want to see your hair turn grey.”

He said” It is pouring down with heavy rain”
She screamed “Get out of the window, I wont say it again”
He bundled up his clothes and out of the window did jump,
He fell on his bottom with a big bump.

He ran into the road and joined the towns annual marathon,
As he was naked, some runners thought he did not belong.
One runner said to him” Why are you bare?”
He said “I love to feel the wind on my skin, blow through my hair.”

Another jogger said “Why do you carry your clothes under your arm”
He said “When I’ve finished running I dress immediately and keep warm”
A third runner said “Why do you wear a condom I should like to know?”
He replied “I only wear one if it’s raining or a cold wind does blow.”

It has gone quiet.

The elderly gentleman was driving much too fast,
The police car overtook this racing driver at last.
The officer said” O f care and consideration to other drivers you lack,
Do you know your wife fell out of the car five miles back?
I regret to inform you of a wife you are now bereft “
The driver replied “Thank God, I thought I had become deaf”

Get your answer right.

During a visit to the local mental institute,
I was a bit nervous I don’t dispute.
I asked the director face to face,
“How do you determine when anyone is fit for this place?”
He replied “We give them the bathroom test,
We find that simple, quick and the best.
We fill up a bath with water you see,
We give the patient a spoon, a cup and a bucket, interesting you must agree.
Then ask them to empty the bath as quickly as they can”
That’s a clever idea, I said, “Sounds like a good plan,
Obviously a normal person would use a bucket rather than a spoon”
“Certainly not” the director replied,” The patient should pull the plug you buffoon,
I have a feeling you will be visiting us soon”

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